Love found me after I found myself

Diary, Featured, Her Story, Wellness

A couple years ago (with my therapists support) I made a list of all the qualities I absolutely would not accept or tolerate in my next relationship, as well as absolute must have qualities. Cheating, lying, manipulation, verbal abuse in place of genuine love, support, honesty and emotional stability. 

You’re probably thinking “well who the hell wouldn’t hope for the same?”.  

Understand while I didn’t want for the crap qualities to be included in the package, I managed to constantly attract the man who possessed them.  A few relationships in a row eventually led to cheating and a plethora of lies to cover it up. 

Each time the cheating and lying occurred I was already well aware.  I knew something was up.  My gut told me so and many of the stories didn’t add up.  

I’d feel hurt, torn, wounded, crying a river, feeling like I was used and victimized…again.  And yet, while the suspicions were proven to be true, I did the worst thing I could have done.  I forgave them.  Letting them right back in.  Every single time. 

With heightened insecurities and lack of trust.  I had hope that we could “work it out” and “things would get better”.  I wanted better yet managed to not recognize and accept the fact that I actually deserved better.  I stayed in the relationship.  I was giving these men permission to continue to hurt, manipulate and use me. 

Call me stupid. Call me weak. Back then I may have shamefully agreed with you yet would have felt attacked for being judged, making me feel guilty for pointing out my weaknesses that I refused to accept.  

During my last life changing relationship, I lost a part of myself.  A part I hadn’t lost before in my previous two crap relationships.  As a result, the chains on my self control snapped.   I became a person I didn’t know, didn’t like and didn’t trust.  My actions made me quickly realize I was heading down a road that would eventually make me look back on my life to determine at what point did I go right when I should have gone left!?  

My actions followed by a pre-meditated journey down regret road scared the hell out of me.  I needed help.  Much more than the normal self help books, inspirational quotes and prayer alone.  I needed therapy.

Therapy helped me realize one simple fact.  Me.  I was the glue, the reason, the question, the answer to all of my behaviors and the crap behaviors I kept attracting into my life.  Besides the need for my own mental wellness, I had the nerve to want a man who was emotionally stable when I wasn’t myself.

I attracted immature, manipulative, and verbally abusive men because in someway I embodied these crap qualities in myself.  

I emotionally abandoned myself because I never really knew how to show up for ME.  Judging myself, ignoring my feelings, and making others responsible for how I should feel.  I had established little to no standards and as a result, no boundaries. 

I wasn’t just being mislead, I was also being misleading. And therefore being a magnet, unconsciously attracting crap people into my life. 

So therapy.  I wrote down what type of man I wanted in my life.  Using experiences from past relationships to help create this do and don’t have list of qualities.  

While waiting for this new love to present himself I realized had he shown up, I would have been unprepared, and likely would have scared/scarred him with my own wounds.  

So I went to see a therapists for support.  With her help I did some serious soul searching, healing through meditation, self-love, addressing results of urban trauma to unlearn and learn how to be a better version of myself.

My entire world and sense of self worth changed.  

And then he came. In a non traditional sort of way, and every day since has been the sweetest thing. 

Each day better than the day before.  Genuine love, support, transparency,  emotional stability, and adventure.

This new reality is life changing.  I better recognize my own ego-feeding deceptions, annoyances and hurt and replaced it with genuine self-love and not taking myself and life too seriously.  I always knew this better way of existing existed and in some way was certain I would experience it.  What I hadn’t realized was it required an intense journey with myself. 

It is to this end my Goddess Meditation exist as a starting point for women looking to discover the same.  An extension of my background in Psychology, desire to share the art of meditation and support individuals like myself to design your life…live the life you imagine.  

We’re all deserving of quality requited love, and especially self-love.

Carmen 

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